Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
