I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
