I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
