you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
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I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
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I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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