Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
