I love black thongs
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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