Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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