do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Randomize
