I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
