You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
We are two peas in an std pod
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
