I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
