I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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