Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
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I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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