When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
