I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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