So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
