Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I have already put on my inside pants.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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