That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
