So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Is Oprah even human
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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