a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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