If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
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Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
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Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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