remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
