next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
