tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
