New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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