i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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