did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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