my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Couch. On fire.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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