If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
