Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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