the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize