I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You can't just leave with hair like that
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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