im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Holy shit dude........stairs
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
