I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
