And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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