I cannot find my penis.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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