Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
