My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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