quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
