He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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