My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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