i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We talked him into tasing himself.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Randomize
