im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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