if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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