Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
