i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
