If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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