walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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