We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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