you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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