I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
