I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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