did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
