Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
