:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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