I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
This is my gift to your gina
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
