he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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