Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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