Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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